This is my first post here even though I have been hanging around for a little while. I'm an introvert, a big time introvert and even though the internet might seem like a good place for an introvert, it's not the case for me. Even though I can't see you doesn't mean that I wan to interact with you. That's really nice isn't it. Don't worry, my friends get me and I do too some times. I take a little getting used to. Mostly because I don't say much, but when I do...well, we'll see how this goes.
I wrote this at the start of last year, and have changed it a little bit since then, all improvements though. I dreamt most of it. I'll warn, I wrote, but it's mostly essays and other academic type stuff, and fiction and I don't really get along too well creatively, but we try. Oh, some of this is not in chronological order, but I want it that way and the justification for marriage is quite a cop out, but it serves it's purpose in the story. ez.
Little Red Shoes
She handed him the small box she had been eyeing nervously on the table. He gave her a small smile as he accepted it and noticed she was biting her bottom lip.
He slowly lifted the lid and carefully moved back the folds of tissue paper. He stared for a moment then picked up the small pair of red slip-on shoes, glancing up at her with a puzzled expression.
“I don’t quite think they’re my size Ange” he gave a small chuckle.
“Well, they’re not exactly for you. I…” she reached for his hand and he met her halfway.
“I though we could give them to our child…our daughter”
Jake’s puzzled expression deepened, while they were now more than just close friends, they had yet to discuss many topics, including children. “Ange, where’s this coming from? I know how you feel about having children…”
“Sometimes things happen which make you reassess your beliefs and even change your mind” she allowed a small, shy smile.
“Oh, well when we feel…when you feel comfortable, I’d be more than hap…”
Angela cut him off realising he hadn’t understood what she was trying to say.
“Not some day Jay. Now” his brows creased “We’re having a baby” she finished.
Jake sat stunned for a moment, not used to her taking so long to say what she wanted or doing so in such a cryptic manner. Then his features lit up in a grin larger than she had seen before. He looked into her eyes, noting the worry and uncertainty they conveyed.
“You’re …we’re …” he leant forwards and kissed her softly then pulled her into a firm hug. “Angela, thank you.”
They remained silent in each other’s arms for a while before Jake spoke again. “Are you sure you want this, I mean, I do, but…are you sure?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure about anything right now, but I do know that if I don’t give this a go, I might regret it” she replied. He held her tighter.
***
They sat into the lounge, Jake’s arm around Angela’s shoulder, their heads leaning together. Angela held the shoes, lightly rubbing her right thumb over one of the toes.
“These were mine” she said after a moment. “Mike gave them to me when I went to see him. I didn’t know he had them. He suggested I give them to…”
Jake tensed a little, feeling slightly annoyed. Lifting his head from hers he said “Wait, you told your brother before…”
“Please don’t be angry” she titled her head up to face him. “I wasn’t sure what to do or how you would react and I started thinking about my childhood. And I went to see Mike because there were some things I needed to ask him because I couldn’t remember or wasn’t sure if I had remembered correctly. He could tell I had a purpose…I really did want you to be the first to know. Mike and I spoke for a while and I came to realise how I felt.”
Jake relaxed again and tightened is arm around her shoulders. He knew how big a step this was for her and if she needed to sort things out before she told him he understood.
“You know I love you right” he said softly. She rested her head back on his shoulder and nodded. “And a baby is going to change our lives. I know your feelings about marriage, but I have to ask…”
When she didn’t respond to what he was implying, he continued. “I’m not trying to push you, but would you consider marrying me Angela?”
“Jake, I know what you believe and I respect that. Having a child with you is not going to automatically change my beliefs on everything. I know you think that it would be the honourable thing to do, but I don’t agree. And please don’t think I haven’t thought about it, I just don’t see the need. Besides, getting used to the idea of being a parent is more than enough for me a deal with right now…”
“Hey, hey, I understand. Like I said, I’m not pressuring you, I was just wondering and honestly, right now all I care about is you and me being together and being a family with this little one” he placed his left hand on her stomach. After a moment he realised silent tears had fallen down her cheeks as she placed her hand on top of his, lacing their fingers together.
***
Angela sat slumped in the lounge, holding the red shoes to her chest. Tears welled in her eyes but she was too exhausted to let them fall. Jake sat down beside her, one arm around her shoulders, the other softly rubbing her left arm. He silently watched her stare at the shoes and decided it was time she put them down.
“Ange” he said softly as he placed his hand over hers asking her to let go. She slowly relinquished her hold and let him place them on the table in front of them.
He looked at her and kissed her temple as she started to cry, her hand reaching for his, gathering it together with hers and holding them to her chest where the shoes had been.
He sat holding her until she settled down, shedding a few tears of his own. They were for her and for their little girl they had been forced to lay to rest.
“What are you going to do with the shoes? Are we giving them to…” he removed his hand from her grip and placed it at the top of her swollen abdomen. He felt her flinch at his touch but did not move his hand.
She turned her head away from him before softly replying “No.”
He was unsure of what to say.
“I can’t. It would feel like we are replacing her Jake”
“Angela…” he was shocked, “why would you think that?”
She turned to look him in the eyes; he could see hers were full of pain. Then he followed her gaze as she tentatively looked to where his hand was resting. She reached down and made to move it, but he took her hand firmly and placed it where his had been.
“We are not replacing her Ange. We were giving her a sibling. Don’t resent or blame this child, please.”
“Jay” she said softly almost ashamed “I’m sorry. I’m sorry she’s gone, if I…” he cut her off.
“It was not your fault, listen to me. Don’t say that again, you know it wasn’t your fault.” He struggled to contain the anger he felt when she tried to blame herself.
“It hurts so much”
“I know”
Angela looked up into his eyes and saw that her feelings were mirrored in his. She knew they weren’t replacing what they had lost. They had planned and conceived another child months before things went horribly wrong.
“We will never forget her Angela” Jake said softly.
“I know” she replied.
She gave him a small, tired smile. Then her eyes caught the picture on the wall, the picture of the day they were married. She looked at it as tears formed again. She looked at his happy smile and remembered how his arm curved around her back, his hand resting on her waist. She looked at herself, leaning into him; one hand on is chest beside his tie, the other out of sight on his lower back. Their heads rested together, his cheek against her temple. Angela held her eyes on their faces before allowing herself to look at the rest of the image. Her eyes moved slowly down and to the right. And there she was, sitting up in her father’s left arm smiling at the camera, in her soft blue dress and those red shoes.
***
“Jake, I think we need to consider making our relationship…more legal” she said uncertainly, knowing she would be given a confused glance.
Jake took his eyes off the road for a second. “What? What do you mean?”
“Marriage” she said simply and bit her bottom lip.
“Can we wait til we get home to talk about this, please?” he asked gently.
“Sure”
They drove the rest of the way in silence.
Jake sat at the table waiting for Angela to explain but she just sat looking at their daughter playing on the floor. “Where did this come from, you know I don’t…”
“I’m not suggesting this because I think it’s what you want because I know you respect my beliefs. I’m sick of not being treated as your partner, as you life partner. It seems that unless we conform to other people’s beliefs, I won’t… we won’t be accepted by all the institutions and people that we have to live and deal with.”
Jake raised his eyebrows in surprise and confusion. “Since when do you care what other people think?”
“When you got shot, I felt like they were never going to tell me how you were. I asked the nurses and their response was ‘Are you his wife?’ and when they could tell that I wasn’t going to say yes they would just start to walk away before I could explain. So I started taking her in with me and I got more sympathetic treatment” she looked up at him from the little girl happily crawling around on the carpet, a pained expression on her face. “I was using our daughter to bribe them so I could see you Jay. That hurt, it really hurt. Even at work, yours particularly, they don’t treat me with the full respect I deserve with regards to you and I” he reached out his hands and took hers, giving them a slight squeeze.
“I will only agree to this if you are sure that you want to do it” he said holding her gaze.
“As much as I am against marriage as a social institution, it would make things easier. I’ve conceded that. I don’t want to be shut out when you’re hurt or on assignment, the same as I don’t want you to be shut out from me.”
He could see she had considered it thoroughly and was touched that she was willing to sacrifice her beliefs. He was about to speak but she jumped in before he could start.
“I will always disagree with marriage, but I will never resent or blame you for this decision. This was my decision and I have made it so that we are able to be there for one another always and to make sure our children have both their parents. I just don’t want to be kept out of any decisions that affect us as a couple and as a family.”
***
Angela looked at the picture on the wall as she nursed her four-month-old son. Her eyes wondered down to rest on his sleeping face and she felt the sting of tears. Jake entered the room and saw her standing there. He was sure he could guess what she was thinking about.
He moved over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, leaning his cheek against hers. He looked over her shoulder at the infant asleep in its mother’s arms.
“You ok?” he asked softly.
She nodded and looked back up at the picture. “What are we going to tell him Jake?”
“The truth, that he had a sister that he never got to meet” he felt her take a deep breath.
“I’m dreading the day he asks. I can’t take this picture down but part of me doesn’t want him to see it.”
“It will be ok. We’ll tell him, it will hurt, but we will be honest and everything will be ok.”
***
Angela was standing in front of the picture again, looking from it to the small table underneath, topped with a few photos of the little girl she had years before, a hairbrush and the red shoes she had loved to wear.
“You’re sad about her aren’t you?” Angela looked down at her seven-year-old son, the image of his father, and gave a sad smile. “Yes” she replied.
“I’m sad too” he said softly and wrapped his arms around his mother’s waist.
“Tell me about her” he asked cautiously after a while. Angela looked into his eyes, seeing he was sincere and troubled by the sadness in his parents that he could not take away.
“Your sister…you were a lot like her when you were younger, always crawling around getting under your dad’s and my feet” she smiled at the boy who smiled shyly back. “She liked to listen to your dad’s bedtime stories and she…” Angela looked back to the shoes “…she loved these shoes” she smiled at the few memories that passed through her mind. “They were my shoes that your grandparents gave to me and I gave them to her. Today is her tenth birthday.”
The boy looked at the shoes and the picture, then back up to his mother. “Do you want another girl?” he asked.
Angela froze for a second then wrapped her arms around her son tightly. “No. I have you and your brother and your dad here with me and your sister is always in my heart. And that’s all I want.”
“Are we going to visit her now?”
“In a little while, yes”
Angela looked up to see Jake standing in the doorway. He was holding their youngest son, smiling at her. He put the boy down and told the two of them to play in the backyard for a minute.
“Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her” he said as he pulled her into a firm hug.
“I’m so grateful we had her, even if it is only for a short time” she rested her head under his chin and wrapped her arms around his waist.
“I can’t believe it’s been seven years, it seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time.”
“I will always remember the look on your face the first time you held her. You were so scared and so unsure and then you saw her and you just melted. I was so proud of you” he rubbed his hand gently up and down her back.
“Ten years ago today, Jay, was one of the happiest moments of my life. Our daughter showed me so many things, taught me so much and made me feel things that I didn’t know I could. I miss her, but I know she will always be with us, I can see her in you and the boys” Angela pulled away from Jake a little and looked into his eyes that were starting to fill with tears. “I will always be grateful for our family. Now, let’s say happy birthday to our daughter and take our sons to the park before I start to cry” she smiled.
Jake leant forwards and kissed her softly then took her hand as they walked out of the room, both glancing back at the red shoes one more time.
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